The Great Phantasm - a FSN Parody Remastered
by galithblades
Summary: A parody of a parody, of a remastered parody. TGC is a carnival phantasm like parody of FSN, only everyone is more true to their characters *cough* I'm looking at you Kirei. Based around Kirei/Gil/Caren, but currently is being remastered to encumber a large array of character focuses. There will be cheap jokes, there will be references, parody references, maybe some mature jokes.


Considering this is the year of fate, I have decided to remaster the ENTIRE story, and giving it a proper conclusion. I went back and read the story, and I can't help but feel like I focused too much on Kotomine and company, though I know that was the intent since CP gave him such little love, I'll try to do more with each of the characters. There may be spoiler's for Heaven's Feel, as I've finally finished it and will be including Zouken and (spoiler).

I hope you enjoy my work. I try to stay as true to character(s) as I can, while throwing in popular jokes, be they cringe or not.

* * *

It was late at night, and all of Fuyuki City was booming in tourists. Crowds filled every nook and cranny as far as can be seen by the naked eye. The reason behind this was because of the Fuyuki Festival. Having little to do with what actually happens in this town, mostly average citizens come here due to the uniqueness of the event, from stands fill with jewelry, to odd and bizarre people preforming in-human abilities. Far away from the festival sat a large stadium, which was being prepped by people from an organization simply known as the Church. And here our story begins, with tales of humor, death, and overall stupidity that'll probably make you want to vomit. This is...

The Great Carnival Phantasm!

* * *

 **Prelude:**

In the center of the stadium stood a large group of people, each looking completely different from each other. **"I thank you on behalf of both the Church and the Mages' Association for coming here at my request."** Said the man who stood in front of the group. His name was Kirei Kotomine, a priest charged with conducting the Holy Grail War in a 'civil' matter, and preventing anyone from finding out about this bloody ritual. **"As you're all well aware, the Holy Grail War has finally begun, however, due to the massive amounts of tourists, it has been postponed for the time being."** He stated as crossed his arms behind his back and lowered his head. **"Instead of a war, we will be conducting a tournament where the winner shall receive not only the Holy Grail, but a large amount of funds, much thanks of the Church."**

 **"You here that Souichirou-sama, soon we'll be able to have that trip we've always dreamed of!"** Cried out the woman covered in black robes. The man beside her simply nodded, not once removing his gaze from the priest. **"Don't get your hopes up, Caster. If anyone's going to win, it likely won't be you."** Stated the knight in red who stood across from them. Caster scorned as she materialized her staff out of thin air. **"Well then let's see who can actually win, Archer. I dare you to do your worst."** She yelled out, but received no response from Archer. **"Please do not engaged in conflict, doing so will make the Church remove their generous donation."** The priest stated bluntly.

 **"Oi Kotomine, what exactly is this tournament?"** Shouted the man wearing blue spandex. " **A good question Lancer. This contest will have three categories. The first is having best festival stand amongst each other, the second being a battle of wits, and the third is a surprise. These will determine the semi-finalists. Each winner from the three categories will go on to compete for the grand prize, while everyone else will be..."** The priest's words became mumbled as a nightmare giving grin appeared on his face. **"The contest shall begin in roughly two weeks, giving each of you enough time to prepare."** And with that, the gathered group dispersed to go work on each of their ideas.

* * *

 **Chapter 1:**

This is most troublesome. Thought the priest as he walked down the street towards the current outdoor market. A few minutes before he left his church, his current roommate began one of his rants about there being 'not enough food for a king' and drinking wine like it was going out of style. He began devastating the kitchen which he built roughly 12 years prior to the present day, in search of better options other than mapo tofu. **"He must know that mapo tofu is the only food I consider worth eating. Everything else is pure garbage."** He remarked to himself. Caren, his daughter, was taking care of his nightly sermons, so he actually had the spare time to gather his roommates demanded food. Oddly enough, he even gave Kotomine a pre-made list, as if he planned his little rant in advanced. After walking for a few more minutes, he turned his gaze through a window of a popular restaurant, and before him sat someone he's been looking for since he announced the festival tournament, Cu' Cuchulain, Ireland's child of light, or simply known as Lancer.

He entered the restaurant quietly, and noticed that Lancer wasn't by himself. Across from him sat a woman in a dark purple suit, and wore earrings that matched that of Lancer's. **"Lancer-kun, the food here is quite exquisite."** She remarked, grinning as she ate her food in a civilized manner. **"I agree. Boy am I glad I saved up enough to eat here, though I doubt-"** before he could finish, he caught the priest out of the corner of his eye, and dropped his mouth. **"The hell..."** He mumbled as the woman looked at him in confusion. **"What is it Lancer-kun?"** Asked the lady again, who was now starting to become irritated with his attitude. Lancer let out a sigh, **"it's just that priest who lives up on the hill."** Lancer let out a sigh afterwards, though he was really afraid. **"Oh, you mean Kirei? Do you two know each other?"** She was getting even more curious, and annoyed. **"Well yeah…..He's been letting me live up there until I can afford a new place, haha."** Lancer tried to shrug it off. He failed. The priest made his way to their table, and glared down at them. " **Lancer, you've been missing for a whole week."** Kotomine stated bluntly, not once removing his gaze from the nicely dressed servant.

 **"In case you haven't noticed Kotomine, I'm currently on a date with Bazett. Now scram before I do something I know I won't regret."** He blurted out, pulling his gaze away from the priest and back towards his meal. **"A date with Bazett? Oh, I see."** He mumbled to himself, turning his gaze to the woman who sat across Lancer. **"I congratulate you, Lancer. I never thought you'd actually score this well."** His remark made the presence even more awkward than it was. **"I shall retire then, I trust Bazett into your 'capable' care."** The priest chuckled to himself as he removed himself from view and left the shop. Lancer frowned as he felt the rest of his meal was stained. Before speaking, he made sure the priest wasn't in ears reach, and let out a moan. **"He's a damn pain in my ass."** He blurted out, stuffing his mouth full of food.

 **"I'm kind of shocked. I find the way he speaks and acts funny. Fun little fact, we use to date at one point."** As soon as she said those words, Lancer spit out the food that he had stuffed in his face, and looked at her in complete surprise. **"It was for the best that it ended, it could never work between us."** She peered out the window, staring at the priest who was walking towards the outdoor market.

The priest made his way towards the edge of the market when he noticed a squabble happening across the street from him. **"Hurry up Shirou! We'll miss the 75% off sale on seasoned curry dishes!"** Cried the woman as she ran far ahead of the orange haired boy. **"Hold...up...I...can't...run...that...fast..."** He said slowly, trying very hard and failing to catch his breath. The priest watched as they ran off, and quickly gave off one of his menacing grins. **"You should know by now, Shirou Emiya. Saber's stomach is surpassed by no man of this age. Let her eat, for nothing can fill that lion known as the King of Knights."** His words reached no one, and he continued down towards the market place.

* * *

Over on the other side of Fuyuki sat Ryuudo Temple, home of Assassin. **"If only I could leave."** Sighed Assassin. When he was summoned, he was bounded to the temple gates for all eternity. "Besides that, the sky looks more beautiful then a blooming blossom in the middle of spring." And with that, the temple doors slammed open and loud thumping noises began to walk towards Assassin. **"I told you to shut up! Souichiro-sama and I are trying to get ready for the festival!"** Cried the woman, who was now more furious then anything else.

 **"That's nice and all Caster, but at least you two can leave anytime you want."** His words drifted off as he resumed looking at the falling leaves. "Assassin, you sound like you don't care about this whole being bounded to the temple situation." He let out a sigh, "I'm more concerned that you can't behave which befits that of a woman." Hes words were stopped as a foot rammed itself into his back. "You shut your filthy mouth! It isn't my fault you were bound to the temple gates!" Yelled Caster as she crossed her arms and began tapping her right figures against her shirt arm. **"Apologies, I meant no disrespect."** Groaned Assassin as he was rubbing the spot that she kicked. "I know it wasn't your fault; this life is a cruel one, that's for sure." Caster's anger began to subside, and an evil grin popped up on her face. **"Assassin, do you wish to go to the festival?"**

Assassin was dumbfounded that she even asked that. **"You would want me to attend?"** He was now suspicious that she was plotting against him. She leaned down to him, so that her face was mere inches from his. **"I don't see why you can't. In fact, I may have a solution that could help you with your 'predicament'."** Assassin nearly vomited at the fact that she wants to help him, as that is far out of character for her. **"And what do you plan to do?"**

 **"Shrink the temple so it'll fit into a bag."** She began to laughed immediately afterwards. All he could think; plot to kill Assassin. The look was the same when she almost killed Kirei in a the Unlimited Blade Works route. Oops, breaking fourth wall, sorry!

* * *

 **"Dammit Archer!"** Cried the girl who was only able to watch helplessly as her servant continued to ignore her. **"If we don't get started, the festival will pass us by and we'll have nothing for it!"** She yelled again, but was still ignored by the man who laid on her couch. **"Rin, this show only airs once every few years. Once it's done, I'll come help."** Archer stuffed his face full of popcorn.

Rin barged out of the room as furiously as ever, though she was still ignored yet again by her 'servant'. **"Damn him. If I wasn't low on command seals I could-!"** Her words stopped as a light bulb turned on within her head. **"Oh...now I know how to get him to do stuff."**

* * *

After a few more minutes of walking, Kotomine finally made it to the market. **"Let's see..."** He said to himself as he double checked the list his was given. _"Bring me back food that befits a king! Failure to do so will result in an empty wine cellar!"_ The priest moaned as he walked over to each food stand, and quickly left after seeing the prices. **"How am I suppose to pay for all of this? The church funds have all dried up, so I'll have to pay for this out of pocket? Tch."** The only thing he was buying was the cheapest things on the list.

 **"Oh, Kotomine?"** The priest heard his named get called out from behind him. Once he turned around he noticed Shirou was walking at a fast pace towards him. **"What are you doing here, Kotomine?"** He shouted out. **"Emiya? Oh I remember now, I saw you being dragged by Saber."** Shirou began to look around, hoping Saber hadn't found him. **"What can I do for you, Shirou Emiya?"** The priest let out a grin, as if he was getting ready for one of his 'lectures'. Shirou looked around eagerly, as if hoping to avoid something. " **Well...I need a place to stay for the night. Saber is draining my collage funds faster than you can say dinner is served. You know I wouldn't ask this if it wasn't important."**

The priest gave off one of his nefarious grins. Kotomine needn't hear anymore. He placed his hand on Shirou's shoulder and leaned down to him. **"I don't see why not, though it's really packed at the church already."** Shirou felt a chill go down his spine, " **thank you, Kotomine. You know I wouldn't ask you unless it was urgent."** The priest knew the best way to get back at Gilgamesh, and maybe even punish Caren for no reason. What could be better!? Kirei and Shirou checked out with what little groceries that they could afford, and began to walk out of the market district.

As they walked, they heard a loud roar coming from the distance, along with the sound of crashing trees. **"It looks like Illya is really getting ready."** The priest nodded in response, but paid no mind to it. **"Kotomine, I've been meaning to ask, have you seen Lancer lately?"**

 **"Indeed I did, though I don't know where he might be now."** He replied, not once giving any sign of interest on his face.

 **"Well if you see him, tell him I have his rat poison. He told me he had to deal with it at his apartment."** The priest's expressionless face made a malicious grin, as if pleased with those words. **"It would seem that Lancer has been preparing to poison me while I eat. Clever dog, but I doubt he has the guts to try it to my face."** Those words were highly ironic, coming from the man who would stab you in the back as much as he would help you.

 **"Is something wrong, Kotomine?"** Shirou looked over to Kotomine, who was grinning.

 **"Not at all Shirou Emiya, in-fact you saved me a great deal of trouble. I'm sure I could deliver that rat poison to him, as I see him more often than you do."** He held out his hand towards the boy, who then placed the mixture into his hands. **"Thanks."** Oh Shirou, you naive stupid kid. The two continued onward up the hill which lead to the church.

* * *

Chapter 2:

 **"We're here."** The priest called out to the boy who followed behind him. In-front of them both stood the Fuyuki church, one of the main landmarks that reside in this town. It's also the neutral ground for the Holy Grail War, but that doesn't matter since it's currently on hiatus at the moment. Shirou thought to himself about how the priest always was in better shape than him, considering he's far older than Shirou. He stopped beside him to catch his breath, though it went unnoticed by the priest. **"Kotomine, you said you have guests here?"**

The priest looked at him and nodded firmly. **"Indeed, Lancer stays here often while he switches between jobs every so often. Caren, my daughter, also lives here, but I'm sure you already knew that. And then there's the other guest of mine. He has no home of his own, so he just stays here and trashes up my precious wine cellar."** He looked away in disgust. **"Wait, you said...wine cellar? Than that means..."**

 **"ABOUT DAMN TIME YOU GOT BACK, KOTOMINE! I rummaged through your kitchen again, didn't find anything. Also Caren said she's hungry, so feed us. Your king demands it."** They both heard him scream out as the main chapel doors flew open instantly. **"Quiet you, we have a guest coming to stay with us for the night. It would be rude to, turn him away."** Kirei replied, completely shrugging off what the man said. **"That isn't who I think it is..."** Remarked Shirou, as he hesitated to enter. **"What's wrong? A hero of justice like yourself must never be afraid."** Kotomine said ecstatically, almost as if he was tempting Shirou to go in first.

They both entered at the same time, though Shirou was the only one who was afraid. **"I found our dog."** Said Kirei, as he walked over to the podium at the end of the rows of benches. **"Good, he can fetch us more wine!"** Retorted the blond man as he materialized in front of Kirei. Before anyone had anytime to react, the man completely went berserk as soon as he saw poor Shirou in the background. **"What the hell is that faker doing here!?"** The man screamed and pulled out two portals from his Gate of Babylon. Two swords with gold particles started to appear in the center of These two portals. **"Now now Gilgamesh, let's not be hasty. Emiya is a guest. It is the overseers job to accommodate all the current masters."** Replied Kirei, though he didn't seem to think Gilgamesh would do anything. **"Kotomine, you are one dog of the church."** With those words, Gilgamesh snapped his fingers and the two portals disappeared in a sparkle of gold. **"I'll let the faker live for now. No promises while he's sleeping!"** Gilgamesh stormed past Shirou, nearly knocking him over. **"Forgive him, he hasn't eaten all day, mostly do to trashing my kitchen early this morning. It took forever to clean up his mess."** The priest immediately went into on of the back rooms after he said that, leaving Shirou by himself in the main chapel.

 **"Saber, if I die, please don't tell Kiritsugu. He'd be so mad if I died."** He whispered, walking towards the door which the priest went through.

* * *

Lancer was walking through the streets, minding his own business. He was wearing his green & yellow Hawaiian shirt, instead of his normal blue tights. "Dammit, why can't that priest just drop dead?" Lancer said to himself. "If only I had seen Shirou today, I could have gotten that mix and then gave it to him." Though he thought he was alone, Lancer could feel that someone was watching him. "Having fun yet, mister?" squealed a girl's voice from behind him. Lancer jumped around in a defensive pose, ready for a battle, until he notice who it was. "Oh, it's just you." Moaned Lancer as walked over and tapped her on the head.

 **"Wanna play?"** She said, so much so that it was none other then creepy. Play? At a time like this? Lancer thought. But by then, it was too late. he felt himself getting lifted into the air, and as he turned his head, he was slammed into the ground. **"Dammit Berserker.** " Cried Lancer quietly, who was now 2 feet into the ground. **"Good job Berserker!"** Screamed Illya as they both ran off together. All that could be heard was the large footsteps slamming into the road that night. Lancer died shortly after, but will return in the next installment.

* * *

Chapter 1&2 notes: Figured I'd rework the story a bit, tweak some things here and there. Nothing fancy honestly. Combined both 1 & 2 together, mostly just to save time and space in my drafts section. Will work on Chapter 3&4 as soon as I get to it, and 5/6 will begin sometime in June/July. This is a rough estimate, but I'll do my best to work on this when I feel like it.

edit: 6/9 - Decided to wait till I've begun works on the other remastered chapters before I released this one. Had to finish up school, which turned out way easier than I was expecting. Will update the remastered story monthly, or whenever I'm not busy working.


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